


Sober (Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi Angst)

by Salty_Yams



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Addiction, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxious Tsukishima Kei, Depressed Tsukishima Kei, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29162772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salty_Yams/pseuds/Salty_Yams
Summary: ⚠️Trigger warnings⚠️Descriptions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, addiction"Suga, I'm so sorry, I'm not flying anymoreAnd Daichi, please forgive me for the headaches on the courtTo the one who never left me, we've been down this road beforeI'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore"
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Akiteru/Udai Tenma, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Yamaguchi identifies as demiboy/genderfaun(a form of genderfluidity that never encompasses the feeling of femininity) and his pronouns are he/they. He wears a blue bracelet when his pronouns are he, and a green one when it's they.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yamaguchi identifies as demiboy/genderfaun(a form of genderfluidity that never encompasses the feeling of femininity) and his pronouns are he/they. He wears a blue bracelet when his pronouns are he, and a green one when it's they.
> 
> Trigger warnings: mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts

~Sugawara~

There are some choices you make that have a much bigger impact than you think. We were all getting dressed to start practice one day when Nishinoya spoke up.

"Suga?"

"What is it?" I asked.

"There's some graffiti on this locker. It has your name in it. Daichi's too."

I pulled my shirt down, "What?"

By this point, everyone was interested in this graffiti and wanted to know what it said.

_**"Suga, I'm so sorry, I'm not flying anymore** _

_**And Daichi please forgive me for the headaches on the court** _

_**To the one who never left me, we've been down this road before** _

_**I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore"** _

"Who wrote that? Anyone in here?" Daichi asked.

The rest of the team either said 'not me' or just shook their head.

I brushed my hand over it and studied the words, "...Is someone using drugs?" I asked.

"What makes you say that?" Asahi asked.

"That's what sober means, right? Not sober from drugs anymore?" I assumed.

"Maybe it's someone you two know outside of the team. A classmate perhaps?" Tsukishima suggested.

"I guess... We can ask around in our class later," I said and I went back to my locker to finish getting dressed.

Daichi and I talked to our classmates but none of them knew anything about any graffiti. We decided that we couldn't get to the bottom of The Mystery Graffiti, as we all dubbed it, and we forgot about it.

Now, I can't help but wonder, if I had taken that message more seriously, things would've been different now.

~Tsukki~

I've been struggling with depression for a while now. I've been lonely for basically my entire life. The only friend I had for most of my childhood was my brother. Other than him, there wasn't anyone I spent time with until I met Tadashi. For the first few years, things were great. But then middle school happened.

The hormones kicked in and everything went downhill from there. The classes were suddenly so much harder and I wasn't the straight A student I always was in elementary school. My mom always told me how disappointed she was in my grades and how I could do better. It killed me. I knew I was capable of greatness. I was a star student in elementary school. What changed?

I also questioned my sexuality and Tadashi questioned his gender. He figured out he was a demiboy long before I figured myself out, but when I did, I just got worse. I was ashamed. Boys liked girls. We're not supposed to like other boys.

On top of that, it wasn't just any boy that made me realize I'm gay, it was Tadashi. I tried to deny it, but I just couldn't. No one else made my heart flutter like he did. No one else gave me butterflies in my stomach like he did. And even all these years later, I still haven't gotten over it. What kind of a person does that make me? He's stayed with me for all these years and has never given up on me, despite my uncontrollable emotions, and I still want more from him. He's given me his time, friendship, and his shoulder to cry on when I needed it. But my heart still wants more.

I've been desperately trying to hide it for the past few years and it hurts a lot... I say no to hugs and isolate myself from him. Even though there's nothing I want more than to be held by him. If he finds out, our friendship is over. And I can't afford to lose that right now. Not when he's all I have...

The more time had passed, the worse I got. I started cutting when I started my third year of middle school. It got out of hand fast. Before I knew it, I was doing it every day. It felt like drugs. It was euphoric and I was addicted to it. It felt... good... Once I started, I couldn't get myself to stop. I felt like a junky.

I hid it from Tadashi for two months before he found out. When he did, he told me he wanted to regularly check my wrist to make sure I didn't do it again. Of course, I still did, but the way he'd look at me when he found new scars were enough to make me want to stop.

I stopped doing it on my wrist and started doing it on my thighs. Tadashi thought I was stopping when I really wasn't. Even though I felt super guilty about it, I kept cutting on my thighs for the next 6 months. I finally decided to sober up in December. I didn't completely stop until the end of January earlier this year. But it felt good when I stopped. I felt like I finally had control over something in my life.

That was 5 months ago. It's now May and I slipped up. I started high school in March and my stress levels have become unmanageable. I started getting suicidal thoughts and I took out my anger on myself. All it took was one slip and then I couldn't stop. I even snuck a blade to the training camp in Tokyo. They never checked anyone's bags and I did my thing in the early hours of the morning while everyone was asleep. I got caught by one of the guys from Nekoma on the last night. I threatened him not to tell anyone about it and no one has asked me about it since. I'm a slave to the pain. I know it's bad for me, but it's just too hard to stop...

Now I'm back where I was in middle school. I get home, go into the bathroom, do my thing, then go to my room and feel sorry for myself while I listen to sad songs. One of the songs I listen to is Sober by Demi Levato. I had the bright idea to write the lyrics on one of the lockers with some minor changes. It was a sorry attempt to ask for help. It went right over everyone's head, which isn't surprising.

I'm once again suffering in silence. I vent to Tadashi here and there and sometimes I cry, but no one knows about my addiction. I can't bring myself to tell anyone. It's such a shameful habit and I hate that I do it all the time. I want to stop it, but the pain won't let me stop.

I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. It's going to end me if something doesn't change soon. And I don't know how to ask for help...


	2. Anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yamaguchi identifies as demiboy/genderfaun(a form of genderfluidity that never encompasses the feeling of femininity) and his pronouns are he/they. He wears a blue bracelet when his pronouns are he, and a green one when it's they.
> 
> Trigger warnings: mentions of self-harm and suicide

~Tadashi~

The weather got colder and we were practicing as hard as ever. I arrived to practice a little later than everyone else because of some missing assignments I had to catch up on. I sprinted to the gym and greeted the captain as I walked in. Daichi told me to quickly get dressed and went back to ordering the rest of the team around. Tsukki and Kageyama were already giving each other _that_ look. I just sighed to myself and went into the dressing room. There was probably going to be another argument today.

That had been happening a lot in recent days. Tsukki has a hard time getting along with others to begin with, but Kageyama especially gets on his nerves. He usually keeps his insults to just enough to piss him off, but not break out into an argument. But when he's had a bad day, he pushes it to an argument.

No one liked it when they started arguing. Daichi and Sugawara go into their dad modes and both Tsukki and Kageyama like yelling when they get mad. Sugawara always says "Tsukishima!" like a parent and the rest of the team often sides with Kageyama. I'm always the only one who sticks with Tsukki. He has a lot of emotions that he hides, and I'm the only one who knows about that.

By the time I was done getting dressed, Tsukki and Kageyama were already arguing.

"Dammit four-eyes! It doesn't help anyone when you don't put effort into blocking us! You're useless!"

"Sorry I can't please his majesty while I'm on two hours of sleep!"

"All you ever talk about is your sleep! Do you think anyone here cares?"

"Both of you, stop it!" Daichi tried to separate the two.

I walked over and I grabbed Tsukki's shoulder, "Don't engage."

He looked at me and was about to leave it be when Kageyama spoke up again.

"So you're gonna make your boyfriend handle your anger? What are you going to do when he finally gets tired of your bullshit?"

I shifted in my clothes a little bit before I turned to face him, "Please don't call me that..."

Tsukki stopped in his tracks and turned to Kageyama, "It's _they_ ," he seethed.

"Why is it such a big deal? It's gonna be 'he' tomorrow."

"But right now, it's _they!_ And it doesn't take much effort to respect that. You know how much they hate it when you call them that."

"Oh, stop acting like he's a precious angel that needs to be protected! He's just as much of a bitch as you are! He's just a bitch with social anxiety. I'll bet you anything he only sticks around because he pities you," Kageyama threw back.

Tsukki ripped away from my hand and ran straight to Kageyama. He punched him across the face and busted his nose.

"TSUKISHIMA!" Sugawara yelled.

Daichi tried to separate them, but Tsukki pushed him away.

Tsukki grabbed Kageyama's shirt and pulled him up to his level, "Is _this_ what you want? Do you _enjoy_ watching me crumble piece by piece? What is your problem?" His voice shook. He was on the verge of crying.

Everyone in the room froze. Their faces said nothing but "Tsukishima? **_Crying?"_**

Everyone except Kageyama. He wiped his nose and scoffed, "Your breathing is my problem. It'd be better if you'd just stop."

"Kageyama-!"

Sugawara was cut off by Tsukki letting out a chuckle. He loosened his shoulders and looked down.

"I might just take your advice on that one, your highness. Maybe I should just stop breathing. Then at least I wouldn't be a burden to everyone anymore."

Tsukki let go of Kageyama and ran outside without another word.

The rest of the team looked at the door in shock for a moment before looking towards me. I just averted my eyes and ran after Tsukki.

When I got outside, I found him leaning against the building with his face in his hands. He was crying.

I ran up to him, "Tsukki, it's too cold out here. You need to get dressed."

"I'm not going back in there," he said firmly.

"You can't walk home in shorts and a sweater."

"Does it even really matter anymore...?"

"Tsukki," I put my hand on his shoulder, "all of your things are inside, including your keys. Even if you were to make it home, you wouldn't get inside."

He sniffed, "Can you get them for me, then?"

I sighed, "Okay. Run over to the bathroom. I'll meet you there and you can get dressed."

He rubbed his eyes and started walking towards the school.

I went back inside the gym and everyone else looked at me. Nishinoya and Tanaka were at the window. They looked at me awkwardly, like a child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar. I just narrowed my eyes without saying anything before walking into the locker room. Everyone was acting like Tsukki crying was like a lunar eclipse or a comet that won't be visible again for another thousand years. As if they just realized he has feelings. And it pissed me off. They all thought he was just some emotionless bastard that everyone could pick on.

I changed out of my gym clothes and got my bag and Tsukki's things. I ran over to the bathroom and met up with Tsukki. He had calmed down a little bit. I gave him his clothes and he changed in the stall.

Once he was done, we left the school and started walking home. I took out my AirPods and gave one of them to him. He put it in and I put on Lemon Boy by Cavetown. We always listened to that song together. It was a song we related our friendship to. He was the lemon boy and my citrus friend.

I looked to my side and stole a glance of him. I sighed and looked away before he noticed. I wanted him to be my citrus _boyfriend_. I've liked him for a while. He was the only one who was there for me when I was questioning my sexuality and my gender. And he was so supportive when I came out. He made me my little pronoun bracelets that I use to tell everyone what pronouns to use. He also didn't judge me when I started wearing skirts and crop tops. He said I looked pretty, and it made me feel really good about myself. I know for a fact that the rest of the volleyball team wouldn't have been so accepting right off the bat.

I've wanted to tell him how I feel, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me back. He turns down my hugs even when I know he needs one and wants one. I don't know why he doesn't want my hugs sometimes. Am I just bad at hugging?

Tsukki stopped in his tracks and I broke out of my daydream.

"What is it, Tsukki?"

He was looking to his left. I looked at what he was fixated on. There was a red spider lily blooming in front of someone's house in the neighborhood.

"That's quite an early bloom. They don't normally come around until spring," he said.

"Do you think it'll still be there in spring?"

"Probably not," he replied. "It's pretty, though."

"Yeah, it is."

He looked at it for a few more seconds then resumed walking. I followed him. We didn't talk much until he spoke up again.

"I don't want to go back to the club..." he said.

I looked at him, "We don't have to."

He looked at me, "You won't miss it?"

"It's not like they've been really nice to me either..." I could already hear Kageyama saying I look like a girl in a skirt. It was sad because I enjoyed wearing clothes like that. It makes me feel good but I rarely go outside of my house with them on because I'm afraid of being judged. I take pictures of my clothes but I don't post them because the whole team follows me. And it's sad because I want to share those pictures. But I'm too scared of being judged.

We eventually reached Tsukki's house and he unlocked the door. He gave me my AirPod back and I turned to walk home, but he stopped me.

"Tadashi?"

I turned around, "What is it?"

"...No one's home right now," he said. "Wanna stay for a bit?"

"Yeah, sure," I replied. I knew he really meant _"Can you stay for a bit?"_

I walked inside and we took our shoes off and put our bags down. We went over to the living room and he turned his Switch on. He pulled up Monster Hunter and we played for a bit.

As we were playing, I got lost in thought. I didn't expect him to lose it like that at practice. Even I was surprised when he punched Kageyama in the face. I wondered if something was bothering him that pushed him to bust his nose open.

Some of the things Kageyama said came to mind. _"What are you going to do when he finally gets tired of your bullshit?" "I'll bet you anything he only sticks around because he pities you."_ Tsukki has been scared of me leaving him since his depression started.

"You know what Kageyama said isn't true, right?" I asked.

"Hm?"

"About me getting tired of you."

He sighed, "Sorry... It's just... hard for me to remember sometimes..."

I sighed, _Well, at least he isn't self-harming like he did in middle school_. I thought.

Then I started thinking. What if he was and he was hiding it from me? He hid it for two months in middle school. He obviously knows how to keep a secret.

I thought about the events of the past few months. Tsukki refused to take his sweater off when we were at the training camp in Tokyo. Even though it was the middle of summer and we were running penalties back to back. I remembered telling him to take it off when he started overheating, but he told me he was fine. I thought he didn't want everyone seeing his scars from middle school, but he still wore it when it was only us.

"Tadashi, you're gonna die," Tsukki said.

I focused back on the game briefly and healed my hunter up.

My mind didn't want to believe he was doing it again. He was so proud of himself when he stopped. He wouldn't just throw away an accomplishment like that. He was addicted to it, but he got over it. He's been sober for months.

 _Sober..._ The Mystery Graffiti had the word sober in it. It was obviously a song lyric and Tsukki loves music. When everyone was inspecting it, he threw the idea that someone outside of the team wrote it, implying it wasn't him.

 _He would throw a smokescreen like that... So if he wrote that then..._ My heart sank. If he wrote that then it's been at least a month and I didn't pick up on it.

 _But maybe he didn't..._ My brain was still in denial. I didn't want to ruin his good mood by asking, but I couldn't just brush off what I was feeling.

I decided it would be better if I asked. I paused the game and looked at the floor.

"What's wrong?" Tsukki asked.

I couldn't even look at him while I said it. My heart was pounding against my chest, "Tsukki, show me your wrist."

He froze. I finally turned my head to look at him. His face paled. He looked at me in the eye for a millisecond before he averted his eyes away from me. He finally pulled up his sleeve and sure enough, there were scars.

My heart shattered. He only showed me a couple inches of his wrist but there were at least 10 scars.

I didn't want to cry. I was shocked. Disappointed in myself that it took me this long to realize something was wrong. I moved closer to him and gave him a hug before he could see the gloss in my eyes. I didn't care if he didn't want it. I knew he needed it, and I wasn't going to let go.

My legs were awkwardly positioned over his thighs, almost like I was sitting on his lap, but I didn't care. This was important. Tsukki buried his face into my shoulder and hugged me back. He was shaking. He took his glasses off and grabbed onto my shirt.

"I'm sorry..."

"No... Please don't..."

He was crying at this point. I could tell he was trying not to, but it wasn't working. I squeezed him.

"I really tried not to, Tadashi..." he squeaked. His voice was broken. I could hear it in the tone of his voice. The shame and regret he felt.

I closed my eyes to hold back the tears. _I need to be strong for Tsukki... I can't cry now..._

"You're not actually thinking about doing what Kageyama said, are you?" I asked.

He was silent.

"...Tsukki?"

Nothing.

I pulled away from the hug and cupped his face. He wouldn't look at me. He wiped his eyes with his arm and stayed silent.

I broke. The tears spilled over and down my cheeks. I couldn't even blink. I wrapped my arms around him and pushed my hand into his hair.

"Tsukki..." I choked. Everything came rushing out after that. My shoulders dropped and I whimpered. I gasped for air and I clung to him. I didn't want to cry. But I couldn't stop... I thought he was getting better... And that the fights were just a little bump in the road. But no...

"Kei..."

Tsukki's arms wrapped around me and he gently stroked my hair. His touch felt like it was from the fingertips of an angel.

I buried my face into his shoulder, "I need you, Tsukki..." I sobbed.

He sniffed and pulled me closer. He didn't say anything.

"We've gone through so much together... You're the only friend I have... I can't lose you..."

"I'm so sorry, Tadashi..." he choked. "I promise I'm trying... It just hurts so much..."

"I know, Tsukki... I know..."

We held onto each other and just cried. It hurt a lot knowing that Tsukki was suicidal. But it felt good to just cry. And to be held by him like that.

We eventually stopped crying, but I didn't want to let go. Tsukki also kept holding me after he stopped. We would've stayed like that, but the front door opened.

Tsukki jumped and pushed my legs off of his lap. I scooted away from him and picked up my controller like nothing happened. I wasn't upset that he pushed me away. He wasn't out to his mom yet. I wish we could've stayed like that for longer, but if his mom was home it was too dangerous.

His brother walked into the room. _Guess we broke apart for nothing_...

"Oh, hi, Tadashi," he greeted.

"Hey, Akiteru."

"You two are home early."

"Practice was canceled," Tsukki lied.

"Well, Mom is going to be home soon. She's coming home early too."

"Alright," Tsukki replied.

Akiteru left the room and we looked at each other.

"...Do you want to keep playing?" he asked.

"Not really."

"Me neither."

Tsukki turned his Switch off and we went over to his room. He took his jacket off and laid back on his bed. He was wearing a long sleeved shirt so I didn't see his arms.

I took my jacket off and sat down at the foot of his bed, "So..."

"Hm?"

"What... triggered all of this?" I asked.

He sighed, "Stress..."

"About what?"

"School, sleep, my future... A lot of things... I don't really want to go into detail."

"That's okay, Tsukki," I said.

He sat up and brought his knees to his chest.

"You were behind The Mystery Graffiti, weren't you."

He sighed and rubbed his forehead, "Yeah, that was me."

"So you slipped up in September?"

"In May..."

 _"May?"_ I gasped.

He lowered his neck, hiding most of his face, "I'm sorry... Please don't be mad..."

I sighed, "I'm not mad... I'm just... disappointed I didn't notice..."

"I shouldn't have done it in the first place... I knew it was a bad idea..."

"Well..." I don't know what came over me. I reached out to him and grabbed his hand. He raised his neck a bit and looked confused, but he grabbed my hand back. "You stopped before. You can do it again."

He looked at our hands and didn't reply for a moment, "...Your hand is cold."

I chuckled, "Sorry."

"It's okay. I don't mind."

I looked at him. He was smiling.

My chest warmed. It's a rare occasion to see him smile. He really knew how to make my heart flutter when he looked at me like that.

"I like your smile," I told him.

He rested his head on his knees and looked at me. The sunset light hit his face through the window and his eyes looked like amber jewels in the orange light.

 _Beautiful..._ I thought.

I would've stared at his face all day, but my phone vibrated. It was my mom.

I picked it up, "Hello?"

**_"Tadashi? Where are you?"_ **

"I'm at Tsukki's house. Sorry, I forgot to tell you."

**_"Well, hurry back home. I'm going to make dinner soon."_ **

"Okay." I hung up and put my phone away.

"You have to go home?" Tsukki asked.

"Yeah..."

He sighed, "Well... Thank you for staying."

"Anytime, Tsukki," I replied.

I put my jacket back on and he stood up from the bed. I turned to him and gave him a hug before I left. He hugged me back and when I pulled away, he had a small smile on his face.

I smiled back, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah."

I walked back to the entrance of the house and picked up my bag. As I was putting my shoes back on, Akiteru stepped out of his room.

"Going home?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Alright, be safe."

I finished putting my shoes on and stood up. Akiteru walked into the kitchen and I was about to leave, but I felt like I should talk to Akiteru. I knew Tsukki wouldn't want me to breathe a word about what was going on, especially to his brother.

_I don't want to break his trust..._

I decided to do it. He's in danger, someone has to know. It's okay if I don't go into detail about it.

I went into the kitchen, "Akiteru?"

He looked at me, "What is it?"

I walked over to him so I could whisper to him, _"Don't tell Tsukki I told you this."_

_"Okay, what is it?"_

I sighed, _"I'm really worried about Tsukki,"_ I started, _"I don't know where he hides his blade or what he uses, but check the bathrooms, see if anything sharp is hidden. And keep an eye on him. Make sure he doesn't do anything... rash..."_

He looked at me and nodded his head.

I stepped back, "Promise you won't tell him?"

"I promise."

"Thank you," I said.

"Have a good night."

"Thanks, you too."  
  


~Tsukki~

_The entire neighborhood was covered in a fresh layer of snow. The sun was shining brightly and I could see my breath puff out as I exhaled. Tadashi and I were all bundled up and we were tossing a volleyball back and forth. Their cheeks and nose were all rosy underneath their freckles. I loved those freckles so much..._

_"Hey, Tadashi?"_

_"Hm?"_

_"There's something I've been meaning to tell you..."_

_"Oh? What's that?"_

_They passed the ball to me and I caught it. My hands started trembling and I looked at the ball, "I... really like you..."_

_I looked up. Tadashi was just standing there. They looked disgusted._

_I passed the ball back to them to break the awkwardness._

_"Tsukki..."_

_"What is it?"_

_"Why would say that to me? What made you think I would love you back?"_

_"I..."_

_"Don't you remember what you did in middle school. You kept misgendering me for a month after I came out to you. And you knew it made me upset. You're also always telling me to shut up and you cry too much."_

_"You told me there's no shame in crying."_

_"Yeah, but you do it all the fucking time. And I always have to walk on eggshells around you because everything sets you off. I... actually kind of hate you."_

_My heart broke. They completely rejected me. Not only that, the one person I love said they hated me._

_"Tadashi..."_

_They hit the ball back to me and it came flying to my head._

I woke up before the ball hit my face. My heart was pounding and I was sweating. The room was dark and I couldn't see anything. _What just happened...?_

I looked outside my window. There wasn't any snow on the ground and the sun had completely set.

_Another nightmare...?_

This was the reason why I was cutting again. I got worried I wouldn't make it into Karasuno and I took a cram course to help with the entrance exam. It gave me a lot of stress and I multiple breakdowns in the days leading up to the entrance exam.

I'm pretty sure all the stress gave me anxiety. I looked up the symptoms, fidgeting, irritability, fatigue, sweating. I have all of them. Plus, it didn't go away after I got the exam over with. If it was just stress, then it would've gone away, but it didn't. It got worse.

When the nightmares started happening, that's when I broke. Everything just became too much to handle and I needed the relief again.

I picked up my phone and put my headphones on.

Tadashi sent me a text a couple hours earlier.

_(Tadashi 4:56)_

_"_ I just got home. How are you?"

_(Tsukki 6:02)_

_"_ I'm fine"

They sent me another text as soon as mine went through

_(Tadashi 6:02)_

"I was worried about you. What were you doing?"

_(Tsukki 6:03)_

"I fell asleep. Sorry"

_(Tadashi 6:04)_

"Oh, that's good. You said you only got two hours last night"

I stared at their text. The nightmare I had was still in the back of my mind.

_(Tsukki 6:06)_

"...Hey Tadashi?"

_(Tadashi 6:06)_

"Yeah Tsukki?"

_(Tsukki 6:07)_

"You don't... hate me do you?"

_(Tadashi 6:08)_

"Tsukki..."  
"You're my best friend"  
"I would never hate you"

_(Tsukki 6:09)_

"Yeah..."  
"Sorry"

_That was just a nightmare... They don't hate you._

I checked my other contacts. Sugawara was the only other person who sent me a text.

_(Sugawara 5:30)_

"I'm really sorry about what happened at practice today. I hope you're okay. You're not useless to the team. We'd really like to see you at practice tomorrow."

I left him on read. I opened Spotify and just listened to my music in the dark. While my depressing songs blasted through my ears, I opened my notes app and just wrote out my thoughts. After a little while, my door opened, it was my brother.

I took my headphones off, "What?"

"Dinner is ready," he said.

He left without waiting for a reply, and without closing the door. I rolled my eyes and put my headphones back on.

I opened Instagram. I make vent stories on my Instagram when I need them. I put a song and something hinting at what I'm feeling. It's not meant for others to understand, just for me to get thoughts out of my mind. I added the song _Anxiety_ by blackbear and FRND and the word "Anxiety" in tiny text.

**_I can't eat, I can't sleep, I get anxiety_ **   
**_When you're not here with me, I get anxiety_ **

I turned my music off and joined my mom and brother for dinner. I didn't eat much. I checked who saw my story when I went back to my room. Tadashi, Sugawara, Daichi, and Asahi had seen it, but none of them messaged me about it.


	3. Ocean Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yamaguchi identifies as demiboy/genderfaun(a form of genderfluidity that never encompasses the feeling of femininity) and his pronouns are he/they. He wears a blue bracelet when his pronouns are he, and a green one when it's they.
> 
> Trigger warnings: mentions of self-harm

~Tsukki~

_I was in a dark room. I couldn't see anything around me. The only light in the room was a spotlight shining on me._

_"Where am I?"_

_I heard a click behind me and I turned around. Another spotlight had turned on and under it was Tadashi on their knees. They looked like they were crying._

_I ran over to them and kneeled down on the floor next to them, "Tadashi?"_

_They pulled their hand away from their face and looked at me. Their hazel orbs looked at me through their wet eyelashes. Tears were streaming down their face and over their freckles._

_"What's wrong?" I asked._

_They rubbed their face, "It's nothing..."_

_"Tadashi, please..."_

_They sniffed, "It hurts..."_

_"What hurts?"_

_"I'm always worrying about you... I do everything I can to make you happy, but nothing works. I feel so useless..."_

_"Tadashi, you're not useless. You do more than you know for me."_

_"I don't sleep anymore... I don't eat anymore... I'm sad all the time... I don't know why I'm trying to live anymore..."_

_I faltered. I wonder why that sounded so familiar..._

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"You were right, you know... About cutting," they said._

_I grabbed their wrist. The cuts were fresh and bleeding._

_"It's so relieving..."_

_My heart dropped. I said those things to justify myself whenever I did it but I never would've wanted to encourage them to do it._

_I looked at their eyes. They were looking off into the distance, as if they were longing to feel that relief again. They needed the relief..._

_"Tadashi..."_

_Their eyes suddenly darted to the ground to the side. There was a blade on the ground and they crawled over to grab it._

_"Tadashi, no!"_

My alarm clock went off and I jolted awake. I groaned and slammed the snooze button. I forgot I don't need to get up early for morning practice anymore. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I grabbed my phone and texted Tadashi.

_(Tsukki 6:10)_

"I'm not going to morning practice. You can still go if you want"

They texted me back a few minutes later.

_(Tadashi 6:12)_

"I'm not going either. I'll be at your house at 7:30"

_(Tsukki 6:13)_

"Okay"

I put my headphones on and blasted music as I waited for Tadashi to come. I didn't eat breakfast. I wasn't hungry. I put my uniform on and Tadashi rang the doorbell.

"Good morning, Tsukki," they greeted.

"Good morning," I replied.

"I got this for you." They handed me a little can of black tea. It was from the vending machine down the street. They got one for each of us.

"Thanks."

Before we went anywhere, I grabbed their left wrist and rolled down their sleeve. He was wearing his blue bracelet, but more importantly, there weren't any scars.

He jumped a little bit when I grabbed his wrist, "It's he/him today," he said.

I let go of his wrist, "Yeah," I replied and started walking. Tadashi followed.

He cracked open his tea, "I... saw your story last night."

I looked at him, "You did?"

"Yeah..."

I looked away and took a sip of the tea.

"So you have anxiety too?"

"That's the conclusion I've come to."

"I looked it up last night," he said. "What are you worried about?"

"Pointless things," I said.

Tadashi sighed, "Well... I'm always here if you want to talk..."

"I know," I replied and chugged my tea down.

Silence fell between us for a while.

"...I worry about you, Tsukki," he said softly.

I didn't say anything in response.

"You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but I want to at least try to make you feel better."

"It's not fair to you for me to burden you with my stupid life."

"But, Tsukki-"

"Just drop it. I don't want to talk about it," I snapped. I didn't mean for it to come off so harsh, but just thinking about everything going on in my life made me want to scream.

Tadashi gripped onto his bag and looked down, "Sorry..."

We stayed quiet and Tadashi sipped on his tea.

"...Is your brother just visiting?" he eventually asked to break the ice.

"Yeah, he's going back at the end of the week."

"I see," he said. "That's nice that he's here."

"Yeah."

Tadashi finished his tea and tossed the can into a recycling bin on the street.

The day was mostly uneventful until lunch. Tadashi and I moved our desks together like we usually did. He rambled on about nothing in particular. I wasn't really listening to what he was saying. I just looked at him. I tried not to stare, but I couldn't help it. His face was just so adorable... His eyes had a way of showing exactly how he was feeling. The way he'd look at me when he's happy or excited about something made my chest warm. When he got angry, he'd furrow his eyebrows and narrow his eyes. And when he got sad, the way he'd look at me would be enough to make my heart shatter. I never want to see him unhappy.

I stared at his eyes as he rambled on. His irises were mostly brown with green flecks sprinkled around the edges. Like the freckles sprinkled over his face. Everything about him was just so perfect.

"Tsukki?"

I blinked and straightened up, "What is it?"

"Aren't you going to eat?" he asked.

I opened my bento box and slowly nibbled on my bento. I still wasn't really hungry, but I forced it because Tadashi gets sad when I don't eat.

A few minutes later, the third years walked into the classroom and approached us.

"Um, hi," Asahi greeted.

I didn't want to talk to them, so I looked down and ignored them.

"We missed you two at practice," Sugawara said.

"Were you surprised we didn't show up after what happened?" Tadashi asked.

"Where were you two?" Daichi asked.

"None of your business," I replied coldly.

"Well, I'm your captain, so it is my business."

"What are you hoping to achieve? Do you really think we're going back after what Kageyama said?" Tadashi snapped.

"Yamaguchi, I understand why you're mad," Sugawara started, "but we talked to Kageyama. He knows what he said wasn't okay."

"And what's he getting for it? A slap on the wrist for telling me to kill myself?" I asked.

"He didn't say-"

"Does it matter?"

"Hey, let's calm down. We didn't come here to argue with you," Asahi broke in.

"Tsukishima, you're not completely innocent in this situation. You punched Kageyama in the face," Daichi reminded me.

I stood up from my seat and put my hands on the desk, "So I'm just supposed to forget about the king misgendering Tadashi? He's been told time and time again to call him they when he wears the green bracelet and he doesn't listen."

Sugawara put his hand on the desk, "We'll talk to him about respecting Yamaguchi's pronouns, we just-"

I rolled up my sleeve, "Yeah? Well, if you talk to the king again, tell him these are his fault!" I snapped.

All three of them immediately shut their mouths and just stared at my arm.

I pulled my sleeve back down and picked up my bento, "Let's go to the roof," I muttered to Tadashi and left the classroom.

~Sugawara~

Tsukishima stormed off and the three of us just stood there. I was shocked. Speechless.

I looked at Asahi. His face had completely paled and he wasn't blinking.

"Asahi?"

"Huh?" he replied, not moving an inch.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I-" his hands started shaking, "I need a minute."

He turned his heel and ran to the bathroom. Daichi and I followed him. He stopped in front of the sink and splashed water onto his face. He kept his face buried in his hands for a minute. He was shaking and breathing heavily.

"You okay, Asahi?" Daichi asked.

He sighed and turned off the sink, "Yeah..."

"That didn't go according to plan..." I mumbled.

"We should've waited..."

"I don't think that would've changed anything," Asahi said.

I sighed, "I can try to talk to him in a couple of days. I'll approach him alone or text him or-"

"Suga, he doesn't need a pep talk, he needs help..." Asahi interrupted.

I sighed, "Well, what else am I supposed to do? I can't just do nothing."

"If he doesn't want to play volleyball, that's his choice. We shouldn't harass him back into the club. That's just rude," he said.

"I don't think we're worried about bringing him back to the club anymore," Daichi said.

Asahi sighed and tilted his head down, looking at the sink.

"You went really pale back there. You sure you're okay?" I asked.

He brought his palm to his forehead, "Things like that are a trigger for me..."

"Oh..."

"I'm fine... I'll probably call my therapist later or something," he mumbled and stepped away from the sink.

Asahi left the bathroom and Daichi and I followed him. We were all worried about Tsukishima, but none of us knew how to talk to him.

~Tadashi~

I was surprised Tsukki showed the third years his scars. We didn't talk much after we went to the roof for lunch. He wasn't in the mood for conversation.

We didn't talk about anything while walking home either. Tsukki pointed out the red spider lily we saw yesterday, but other than that, we just listened to our Spotify playlist as we walked.

I put my feet up and relaxed for a little bit when I got home. I helped my mom cook dinner and I got started on homework around 5:00. I settled on my Tsukki playlist to listen to while I worked. I made the playlist back in middle school when I first started liking him. It was a bit embarrassing, but thinking about doing couple things with Tsukki while I listened to that playlist made me happy.

I looked at my phone and sighed, _I wonder if he has anyone he likes..._ I thought before I started working.

I finished my homework about an hour and a half later. When I checked my phone, I noticed Tsukki had posted a music story on Instagram. It had Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish and he wrote "Those hazel eyes...." with a green heart at the end.

**_You really know how to make me cry_ **   
**_When you give me those ocean eyes_ **   
**_I'm scared_ **

I must have replayed it at least eight times. What does that mean? Does he like someone? Does he have blue eyes or hazel eyes? Why didn't he tell me?

I closed Instagram and decided to ask him about it. We're friends. He trusts me, so I can ask him.

_(Tadashi 6:42)_

"What's your story about?"

Tsukki read my message almost immediately, but he didn't respond until a few minutes later.

_(Tsukki 6:46)_

"Nothing important"

_(Tadashi 6:47)_

"Do you like someone?"

I watched the little ellipsis on the bottom left corner as he typed. My heart was beating heavily against my chest. Why was he taking so long?

_(Tsukki 6:50)_

"Perhaps"

My heart sank. Who the hell was it? Was it anyone at our school? Our _class?_ Why didn't I notice?

_(Tadashi 6:52)_

"Was the song about him?"

_(Tsukki 6:53)_

"Partially, yeah"

I debated whether or not to push it. I didn't want to annoy him but a part of me just _needed_ to know who he liked. I started thinking about all of the guys we knew and were close to. Kuroo-san, Bokuto-san, Akaashi-san, the volleyball team. None of them had blue eyes or hazel eyes, though. Well... Except one.

_(Tadashi 6:55)_

"Is it Kageyama?"

_(Tsukki 6:55)_

"..."

Tsukki started typing something else for a few seconds but the ellipsis went away. I stared at my screen in disbelief. No, there was no way.

_(Tadashi 6:57)_

"Tsukki?"

He read my message, but he didn't respond. I stared at the screen with my mouth agape. I could accept him liking our friends from Tokyo or maybe even Hinata, but _Kageyama?_ I was probably a little jealous that he liked someone that wasn't me, but him liking Kageyama made my blood boil.

_(Tadashi 7:00)_

"Do I have to remind you about the horrible things he's said to you?"

_(Tsukki 7:01)_

"Sorry, I just had to take a moment to gag"  
"The KING?"

_(Tadashi 7:02)_

"Wait... so you don't like Kageyama?"

_(Tsukki 7:02)_

"No!"  
"I thought you knew me better than that"

_(Tadashi 7:03)_

"Well he's the only boy I could think of that had blue eyes"

_(Tsukki 7:04)_

"They have hazel eyes"  
"HAZEL"

I paused for a moment and reread his texts.

_(Tadashi 7:05)_

"...'they'?"

_(Tsukki 7:06)_

"Yes, they"

_(Tadashi 7:07)_

"...Is it a girl?"

_(Tsukki 7:07)_

"No"

_(Tadashi 7:08)_

"So it's a boy"

_(Tsukki 7:08)_

"Technically no"

_(Tadashi 7:08)_

"What do you mean 'technically'?"

_(Tsukki 7:09)_

"I wouldn't use the word 'boy' to describe them. And they wouldn't either"

_(Tadashi 7:10)_

"So... non-binary? Help me out here. Who is it?"

_(Tsukki 7:10)_

"Tadashi, it's not even that important. They don't love me back. They'll never love me back. So don't worry about it"

_(Tadashi 7:11)_

"But it's making you worse, isn't it? If it is then it's important"

_(Tsukki 7:11)_

"Just forget about it, okay. Akiteru's calling me for dinner. I can't talk"

I sighed.

_(Tadashi 7:12)_

"Alright... Make sure you eat enough"

Tsukki read my text, but he didn't text me back for the rest of the night.


	4. Trying

**_Trigger warnings: mentions of self-harm and suicide_ **

~Tadashi~

My mom woke me up at 6:30 to tell me breakfast was ready. I dragged myself out of bed and walked over to the kitchen to eat. As I was eating, I scrolled through my phone. There was a text from Tsukki. He sent it to me at 4 a.m.

_(Tsukki 4:08)_

"I'm not feeling very well. I don't think I'm going to class tomorrow"  
"Or today"  
"Wednesday"

_(Tadashi 6:45)_

"Okay. Did you get any sleep?"

He didn't read my text, so I turned my phone off and finished eating.

I put my uniform on and got my green they/them bracelet and left. Before I started walking, I checked my phone again. Tsukki still hadn't seen my text. I figured he was asleep so I didn't bug him. Instead, I sent Akiteru a text.

_(Tadashi 7:20)_

"Tsukki told me he wasn't feeling well. Do you have any plans today? If he's staying home I don't want him to be alone."

Akiteru saw it soon after I sent it and replied.

_(Akiteru 7:22)_

"I guess I could leave Sunday instead"  
"I'll watch him"

_(Tadashi 7:23)_

"Sorry... I just worry he'll hurt himself if he's alone..."

_(Akiteru 7:24)_

"Don't apologize. I don't want him to be home alone either"  
"Thanks for telling me"

_(Tadashi 7:25)_

"Of course"

I put my phone away and started walking to school. Days like these always felt a little awkward. Tsukki and I did everything together. We walk to school together, eat lunch together, walk home together, study together, everything. So much so, we had a playlist we made together that we listen to when we do those activities.

Whenever I had to do all of those things by myself, something always felt missing. Walking to school with Tsukki was always better than walking alone. Even if we didn't talk about anything, just being with him made my day better.

I put an AirPod in and turned on the playlist. _I'll text him at lunch._ I told myself.

Class was uneventful as usual. The teachers piled their worksheets on Tsukki's desk like they always did when a student was absent.

At lunchtime, I stayed at my desk and ate my bento alone. I pulled my phone out and checked my contacts. Tsukki replied to my text.

_(Tsukki 11:46)_

"I fell asleep around five last night. I just woke up"

_(Tadashi 12:30)_

"That's 6 hours then. That's more than usual, right?"  
"It's lunchtime. Make sure you eat something"

He read my text, but he didn't say anything back.

I opened Akiteru's contact and started typing.

_(Tadashi 12:32)_

"It's lunchtime at school. Force feed him something"

He sent me a picture of a tray of dinosaur nuggets in the oven.

_(Akiteru 12:33)_

"Already ahead of you"

I laughed and sent him a thumbs-up emoji. Tsukki never says no to those.

I turned my phone off and finished eating my bento. As I finished up, Sugawara walked into the classroom with a juice box in his hand. He scanned the room before walking up to me.

"Where's Tsukishima?" He asked.

"He wasn't feeling well, so he stayed home."

He sighed, "Well, can I talk to you outside?"

I put my chopsticks down and closed my bento box. We looked out the window at the school ground as we talked.

I leaned forward and rested my head on my hands.

Sugawara stabbed the straw into his juice box, "Practice isn't the same without you two. We miss you guys."

I averted my eyes, "What did you actually tell Kageyama?" I asked.

He looked at me, "What do you mean?"

"You said he knows what he said was wrong, but does he really? What makes you think he really feels bad about it?"

"He said he'd apologize as soon as he saw you two."

"Then why didn't he just come to us at lunchtime and apologize?"

"Would you have listened to what he had to say?" Sugawara asked.

I stayed silent.

He took another sip of his juice box, "I had a feeling that if he just walked in there, you would've either walked away or Tsukishima would've said something snarky before he had a chance to talk."

I sighed. I definitely would've walked away and I wouldn't have been surprised if Tsukki had said something.

"Tsukishima does also need to apologize for punching Kageyama in the face. He owes him that much."

"Yeah, I know."

"I thought that if we convinced you two to come to after school practice, the three of you could talk it out in the dressing room or outside."

I brushed my hair out of my face, "You say that as if it's that simple."

He sighed and continued sipping his juice.

"We've played this game before. Kageyama apologizes but nothing changes."

He sighed, "I know... I didn't come here to talk to you about Kageyama, though."

"What do you want to tell me?"

He curled his lips, "Do you guys like volleyball?"

I sighed, "Tsukki loves volleyball..."

Sugawara looked at me, "He does?"

"I think he wants to play volleyball, but he just doesn't have fun anymore. And if you don't have fun, then what's the point?"

He pushed his hair out of his face, "What about you? Do you want to play volleyball?"

I looked up at the clouds, "I do, but... I want Tsukki to be there with me."

He sighed, "Yamaguchi, can I ask you something?"

I looked at him, "What?"

"Do you like Tsukishima?"

I froze and looked at him. He looked at me and took another sip of his juice box.

My face heated up, "Um..."

Sugawara smiled and breathed a chuckle, "I won't tell anyone."

I averted my eyes and covered my face. How obvious was I? Did that mean Tsukki knows?

"I think you make Tsukishima happy," he said and finished his juice box.

I looked at him.

"I could tell the difference in his mood when you weren't around. I think you make his day better."

"I try to..." I murmured.

He sighed and crushed the box, "Do you two plan on coming back?"

"He hasn't talked to me about it. I can ask him later today or something."

"Well, you two are always welcome to come back whenever you want. We'd really like to have you two back," he said and gave me a pat on my back before walking back to his classroom.

~Akiteru~

I told my friends that I had to cancel our plans to take care of my brother. I checked on Kei around 8:00. He was sleeping, so I didn't bother him. Around 11:40, I opened his door and knocked on the wall to wake him up.

"Kei, get up. It's almost noon."

He groaned and rolled over, "Didn't you have plans today? What are you still doing here?"

"Babysitting you. Tadashi told me you weren't feeling well. Do you feel nauseous?"

He sighed, "No... Just tired..."

"Well, don't stay in bed all day. Let me know if you need anything."

"I can take care of myself."

 _No, you can't..._ I didn't say it out loud, but I thought it. _If you could take care of yourself, I wouldn't have to be worried about leaving you alone for a few hours..._ I knew it wasn't his fault. Mental illness does that to you.

I sighed and went into the living room. It was sad to think about, and I felt like I couldn't do anything about it. I've talked to him about telling Mom to get a therapist but for some reason, he's strongly against it. He says he doesn't think it'll change anything.

Kei stayed in his room for a couple more hours after I woke him up. I decided to cook something around 12:30. Tadashi also sent me a text telling me to force-feed Kei and I sent them a picture of the tray in the oven.

Kei emerged from his room a few minutes after it was done.

"There's food in the dining room. Eat something."

He rubbed his eyes and waddled over to the table.

I turned the TV on and put on a movie. I settled for Spirited Away. Kei and I watched that movie a lot when we were kids. I thought maybe it'd keep him from going back into his room when he was done eating, at least for a little bit.

Kei came out of the kitchen about ten minutes later. He stopped and looked at the TV for a second before walking back to his room.

I sighed in disappointment. _Oh well... I'll get him out of his room later._

To my surprise, he came back out with his glasses and sat in a chair adjacent to the couch. I looked at him in amazement.

He looked at me and narrowed his eyes, "What?"

"This is a rare occasion."

"Shut-up before I change my mind."

I chuckled and looked back at the movie.   
  


About 40 minutes into the movie, I noticed he was doing something on his phone.

"Are you texting someone?" I asked.

"Writing," he said briefly.

"You write?"

"I saw it online. People said you should write your thoughts down. It's supposed to help you cope."

"I see..." I nodded. "Does it work?"

"I guess."

"Well, that's good."

Kei kept typing on his phone.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked.

He stopped typing and hesitated, "...A lot."

"..." I didn't push it, but I didn't buy that answer. He's a bad liar. I could tell he was hiding something and it concerned me.

Tadashi never outright said he was cutting again, but they told me to try to find his blade. Kei has also been wearing long sleeves all the time. That was more than enough to tell me he was doing it again. The last time I saw his left wrist was when I visited for Christmas last year. Kei was in his third year of middle school and I saw the white lines on his wrist. When I asked him about it, he admitted that he cut himself, but he told me that he was trying to stop. He wouldn't talk to me about it much. He said it made him really uncomfortable, which I didn't blame him for. It was uncomfortable for me, too.

Back then, seeing the scars was upsetting for me. Knowing that my brother was so depressed that he wanted to hurt himself, I felt awful. And that was when they were healed. I've seen how bad self-harm can get on the internet. I don't know how I'd react if I saw Kei like that. Just thinking about it broke my heart.  
  
  


Kei stayed for the entire movie. Once the credits started rolling, he stood up from the chair and walked towards his room.

"I'm gonna shower."

"Alright."

I waited for him to turn on the water before I went into his room. I checked the bathrooms multiple times for anything sharp and found nothing. I was convinced he was hiding his blade in his room. I checked his drawers, his desk, under his bed, even his school supplies. I did it carefully to try to not make any noise or change the placement of anything. Kei would kill me if he found out I looked around in his room.

I didn't find a blade, but there was one thing that made my heart stop. He had a first aid kit that had medical tape and bandages in it. In his trashcan, I found bloody bandages. I didn't touch them, but I just sat there and stared at them. I wasn't surprised, but I didn't think it was _that_ bad. There were so many stains...

I only snapped back to reality because the doorbell rang. I left Kei's room and answered the door. It was Tadashi.

"Hey, Akiteru."

"Hey."

"Where's Kei?" they asked.

"He's in the shower. Do you need to talk to him?"

"No, I just came by to drop off the work he missed in class today," they said and handed me a folder.

I took the folder, "Okay, I'll tell him you stopped by."

They nodded their head, "Tell him I said hi," they said and turned to leave.

"Hey, Tadashi?" I called out, "Can I ask you something?"

They turned back towards me, "What is it?"

I sighed, "...Is Kei suicidal?"

Their face paled and they widened their eyes slightly.

My heart sank. Their silence said it all. He was.

Tadashi looked down and pushed a lock of hair behind their ear, "Um..."

I curled my lips and nodded my head, "Alright..." I sighed.

They sighed as well, "Why do you ask?"

"I felt like he was hiding something. I didn't want to believe it was that, but..."

"Yeah..."

Silence fell between us for a moment.

"...Did you find his blade?" they asked.

"No. I checked the bathrooms and I was looking in his room a moment ago, nothing."

They sighed, "Well, it's gotta be somewhere."

"I'll keep looking. I'll find it," I told them.

"Okay. I'll ask him where he keeps it if you need me to. I doubt he'll tell me, but I'll try."

"That'd be really helpful. I'll keep you updated."

They nodded their head, "Well, good luck."

"Thank you."

They turned to walk back home and I closed the door. I put the folder on the kitchen table and continued looking in his room. I double-checked multiple areas and still didn't find anything. I sighed in frustration and sat down on the floor, looking at the ceiling.

 _How long have I been looking now?_ I checked the time. _40 minutes? And Kei still hasn't come out yet?_

I left his room and knocked on the bathroom door.

He groaned, "What?" he asked sharply.

"You've been in there a while."

"Leave me alone!"

"It's been 40 minutes. Hurry up in there."

"Whatever, _Dad!"_

I pinched the bridge of my nose. I could feel him rolling his eyes through the door.

"Mom and I need to shower, too. Leave some of the hot water, will you?"

"Ow, fuck..." he cursed.

I looked up, _What the hell was that?_ I pressed my ear against the door. It was hard to hear over the water, but I still heard it. He was hissing and groaning quietly. As if... something was hurting.

"Kei?"

"What now? Why are you still here?"

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"...No."

I narrowed my eyes, "Kei, why don't I believe you?"

"Because you have trust issues?"

"Kei, I think you're the one who has trust issues."

"Yeah, and whose fault is that?" he snapped back.

I sighed. He doesn't listen when he's in a bad mood, so I let it go, "Just hurry up, okay?"

"Fine."  
  
  


~Tadashi~

I walked home and went into my room to relax.

_(Tadashi 2:15)_

"I just got home. Are you still in the shower?"

My phone vibrated a few minutes later.

_(Tsukki 2:18)_

"No. Akiteru told me you stopped by"

_(Tadashi 2:20)_

"I did. Did you get the folder"

_(Tsukki 2:21)_

"Yeah"

_(Tadashi 2:22)_

"Okay, I can help you with the work if you need it"

_(Tsukki 2:23)_

"I'll let you know if I get stuck"

I sent him an okay emoji and I got started on my homework. I finished a few hours later and I checked Instagram. There was a story from Tsukki again. It had Trying by Cavetown and he wrote a long sentence directed at me.

"I don't understand how you put up with me or why, but I really appreciate you staying with me through all these years despite everything. Thank you Tadashi."

**_Please, please be here, for me dear_ **   
**_Cuz I've never needed a friend more_ **   
**_And I can't stress enough how much it means to me that you're trying_ **

  
  
I tapped the message bar and I replied to his story.

_(demiboy.freckles 6:10)_

"And I'll stay with you for many more years to come. No matter what happens."

Tsukki read the DM, but took a little bit to respond.

_(salty.music.whore 6:14)_

"Stop that. You're gonna give me diabetes"

My chest warmed and I laughed. _He thought that was sweet..._

_(demiboy.freckles 6:15)_

"❤️"

I didn't think he'd respond to the heart, but he did.

_(salty.music.whore 6:15)_

"❤️"

Tsukki doesn't use emojis much so the fact that he did, and a heart on top of that, made me happy.

Neither of us said anything for a while. Tsukki spoke up again about 10 minutes later in iMessage.

_(Tsukki 6:25)_

"Hey, Tadashi?"

_(Tadashi 6:25)_

"What is it?"

_(Tsukki 6:26)_

"If you ever get tired of me, you can just tell me and I won't bother you anymore"

I sighed.

_(Tadashi 6:27)_

"Tsukki, you know I don't like it when you say that..."

_(Tsukki 6:27)_

"I know I just..."  
"I don't want to be a burden to you"

_(Tadashi 6:28)_

"You're not a burden to me"  
"What brought this up?"

_(Tsukki 6:30)_

"I..."  
"I had a nightmare last night"

_(Tadashi 6:30)_

"Really?"

_(Tsukki 6:32)_

"I don't want to go into details but I'm sure you can guess what it was about"

_(Tadashi 6:33)_

"Yeah..."  
"I'm sorry Tsukki"  
"Is this the first time this has happened?"

_(Tsukki 6:34)_

"No, they've been happening since May"

_(Tadashi 6:35)_

"May? How often do you get them?"

_(Tsukki 6:35)_

"Too often"  
"It varies sometimes but they've been happening every day this week for some reason.."

_(Tadashi 6:36)_

"That sounds brutal... I'm sorry Tsukki..."

_(Tsukki 6:37)_

"It's not your fault"

_(Tadashi 6:38)_

"I know you have a hard time believing me sometimes but I'm not going to abandon you"  
"I promised you I'd be your friend for life when we met remember?"  
"I don't plan on going back on that now"  
"Or ever."

Tsukki started typing, then stopped, then started again a few times. Eventually, he sent a message.

_(Tsukki 6:40)_

"Tadashi I need to tell you something..."

_(Tadashi 6:40)_

"What is it?"

_(Tsukki 6:42)_

"I hurt myself again today..."

My heart sank.

_(Tadashi 6:43)_

"You did?"

_(Tsukki 6:44)_

"While I was in the shower..."  
"It's bad..."  
"I got carried away..."

_(Tadashi 6:44)_

"How bad is it?"

_(Tsukki 6:45)_

"I hit a vein because I'm an idiot and don't know how to control my left hand"  
"I bandaged it but it hurts..."

I stared at the messages. _"Left hand"?_

_(Tadashi 6:46)_

"So you did it on your right wrist...?"

_(Tsukki 6:47)_

"Yeah..."

I couldn't respond for a moment. What did that mean? Did he run out of space on his left? How was I supposed to respond to that?

_(Tsukki 6:50)_

"Sorry you didn't need that detail.."  
"I'll just take a Tylenol and shut up about it"

_(Tadashi 6:51)_

"No, I'm glad you told me"

_(Tsukki 6:52)_

"I shouldn't be doing this to you"  
"I do nothing but drag you into my problems"  
"You didn't sign up for this when we met in elementary school..."

_(Tadashi 6:53)_

"Don't say that"  
"I don't regret meeting you for a second"

_(Tsukki 6:54)_

"You don't?"

_(Tadashi 6:56)_

"I wasn't in a good headspace when we met"  
"I was getting bullied constantly and I hated looking at myself in the mirror because of what other kids said about my freckles"  
"You changed that for me"

_(Tsukki 6:57)_

"You make it sound like it was some life-changing experience"

_(Tadashi 6:59)_

"It was for me"  
"You were there for me during my darkest days."  
"I don't know what I would've done if I didn't have you while I was questioning my sexuality and gender."  
"So don't say that like it's a bad thing"  
"Because meeting you is the best thing that ever happened to me."  
"And I wouldn't trade it for the world."

Tsukki saw the text and the ellipsis at the bottom of the screen disappeared and reappeared a few times.

_(Tsukki 7:02)_

"Tadashi..."

_(Tadashi 7:03)_

"I signed up for standing with you and supporting you no matter what life threw at us"  
"And in return I have the coolest friend in the world who does the same for me"  
"Tsukishima Kei"

Tsukki didn't respond for a good 10 minutes. I got a little anxious. Did I mess up?

_(Tsukki 7:13)_

"That almost sounded like a love confession"

I panicked.

_(Tadashi 7:14)_

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be weird!"  
"I just"  
"Uh"

_(Tsukki 7:15)_

"Calm down. It was a joke"  
"Thank you Tadashi..."  
"I really needed to hear that"

I smiled at my phone.

_(Tadashi 7:17)_

"Hey, Tsukki"  
"Are you crying?"

_(Tsukki 7:17)_

"No!"  
"Shut-up!"

I laughed.

_(Tadashi 7:18)_

"Hey, I've told you a million times. Crying isn't lame"

_(Tsukki 7:18)_

"I said I'm not crying!"

_(Tadashi 7:19)_

"Aww sounds like someone's salty"

Tsukki sent a picture of himself. He was in the dark, but he took the picture with the flash. He had his hand over his face with his middle finger sticking up. He wasn't wearing his glasses and he was looking away from the camera. His eyes looked ever so slightly red and his eyelashes looked damp.

_(Tsukki 7:20)_

"Fuck you"

Call me a weirdo, but I saved the picture to my gallery. Even if it was mostly covered by a middle finger, I liked his face.

_(Tadashi 7:21)_

"Does the salty dino want a hug?"

_(Tsukki 7:22)_

"..."  
"I mean..."

_(Tadashi 7:24)_

"?"

_(Tsukki 7:25)_

"Are you going to make me say it?"

_(Tadashi 7:25)_

"Yes"

_(Tsukki 7:26)_

"Ugh..."

I watched the ellipsis in anticipation. I could only imagine how embarrassed he was on the other side of the screen.

_(Tsukki 7:30)_

"I would like a hug please..."

_(Tadashi 7:31)_

"See? It wasn't that bad, was it?"  
"I'll give you a hug before we walk to school tomorrow"

_(Tsukki 7:32)_

"I'll hold you to that"


End file.
